The Elephant in the Room

I had a patient not long ago who was almost as frustrated with her husband as she was with her inability to walk after her recent stroke.  And it wasn’t for the usual reasons: leaving the toilet seat up, snoring, or forgetting their anniversary…again.  She told me that she KNEW he was feeling stressed out about his newly acquired role as her caretaker, but he just kept denying it!  She could sense him pulling back and becoming more emotionally distant,  trying to put on an encouraging face and act like everything was fabulous.  He kept saying things like, “It’s really not a big deal.  I like helping you get dressed every morning.”  In her mind, that was similar to her saying something like, “No, really…I was tired of using my right arm anyway.  I always wanted to be left-handed, so this will give me a chance to practice writing with my left hand.”

I’m sure his intentions were good.  He probably thought that telling her his own frustrations would make her feel like more of a burden, and make dealing with and recovering from her stroke even more difficult.  But here’s a little secret:  She already KNOWS taking care of her is a new challenge in your life!  It doesn’t take a rocket-scientist to figure out that caring for a loved one with hemiplegia causes new stress and time-constraints, as well as the emotional conflict of adjusting to the physical changes (and sometimes personality and mental changes) that can accompany a stroke.  Shoving those emotions deep down inside (which men are good at doing anyway) can actually do more harm than good.

If you are a caretaker: Try to be honest with yourself and with your loved one.  Talk about how your new roles in life, and in your relationship make you feel, and what the two of you can do about it.   After having a stroke, your loved one is likely to feel a lot of grief about the loss of physical ability.  Don’t add to their feelings of isolation and helplessness by allowing an emotional chasm to form between you.  They will be grateful for your honesty, and for the emotional connection that brings.

If you are a stroke survivor: Encourage your caretaker(s) not to neglect him/herself.  Caretakers need time to recharge their own battery occasionally, and may even need to get involved with counseling or a support group for the caretakers of stroke survivors.